Singaporeans Rejoice Over New Chicken Wing Handouts As Government Confiscates Entire Chickens
SINGAPORE - Jubilant cheers erupted across the island nation today as the government announced a new initiative to distribute $200 chicken wing vouchers to financially struggling citizens. This comes just days after the latest round of chicken confiscations, in which the government boosted Covid-ravaged state coffers by claiming full ownership of all poultry across the country.
Crowds gathered outside hawker centers waving tiny chicken wing flags and holding up signs saying "Praise Be The Wings" and "PM Son Gives Us Wings". Long lines formed outside NTUC FairPrice supermarkets at the crack of dawn as people eagerly awaited their chance to redeem their sacred government-bestowed chicken flesh.
"I've waited so long for this!" exclaimed Lim Tao, 78, who camped overnight with a lawn chair and cooler of Tiger Beer. "Just one tiny wing to get me through the week until the next wing payment comes!"
"To show my gratitude, I will name my firstborn Lawrence Wong," pledged Mohamed Salleh, 41, while carefully inspecting a 3-ounce CDC chicken wing voucher under a jeweler's magnifying glass.
Meanwhile, critics claiming the chicken confiscations vastly outweighed the token wing distributions were ridiculed and accused of "first world entitlement".
"How ungrateful can you get? If not for our benevolent leaders, you wouldn't even have this scrap of meat on the bone!" admonished social media influencer Xiaxue.
The government also reminded citizens to continue complying with Covid restrictions, avoid intermingling with different chicken coops, and refrain from clucking too loudly.
At press time, black markets were emerging across the island to trade in illegally smuggled chicken meat as desperate citizens sought to supplement their meager wing rations.
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